Dear Depression

Dear Depression

What better day to write to you than World Mental Health Day.

I don’t think I remember the first time you paid me a visit. As I never really thought that it was a big deal. I always thought that I will be able to deal with it. Little did I know that it can and will be life-changing.

I do remember when you paid me a visit at the end of 2015 and almost the whole of 2016. Like a dark coloured dust cloud, you blew into my life and covered everything I thought to be beautiful, that had meaning to me, in a black dust. Nothing was beautiful anymore. I struggled to see past the blackness of it all. You made me feel worthless. Like I was somehow a waste of space on this earth. You made me believe that everyone around me felt the same about me too. Like nothing I will ever do will be good enough. I hated myself. I shut myself off from everyone that cared for and loves me. Scared, because I didn’t know what to say or how to act normal. I didn’t want them to perceive me as broken. Or well, more broken than what I already was. I felt tired to pretend to be okay. When clearly you took everything from me and made it black. Dark. Useless.

I wanted to scream. And I wanted to give up on so many occasions. I missed the old me. The happy me…

Although it feels like all I’m doing some days and weeks even, is to keep my head above water. Not to drown. Almost like I’m barely surviving. I still have days where I want to curl up in bed and just cry.

I can hear you knocking, pushing and kicking at the door. Trying to make your dark dust my home again. And every single day, I will push back. I will fight you! I’m scared that I might not be strong enough one day and that you will win. I’m so scared that on some days I struggle to have a normal day.

But listen here depression, as 2017 almost comes to an end, I am still standing here. I am not worthless like you made me out to be. I am a warrior. And I will fight with everything I have in me to never fall into your dark dust cloud again. I am determined to lose you forever.

Depression and anxiety doesn’t make me weak! Far from it actually. I’m stronger because of you!

I have very amazing people in my life, and you will never make me doubt that again.

I very well know how this could have turned out if I have let you win. You could have made me give up on life. And I almost did. But I will keep on fighting you.

And for now, I’m winning!

So please fuck off. 

From the person, you thought you had power over.

1 reply
  1. Jacqueline Bosch
    Jacqueline Bosch says:

    WOW… I’m speechless and it is breath taking to read. My friend you are one amazing person… so strong.

    “You are only one decision away from a totally different life!”

    Reply

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